Betrayal and Tribute
by Kiyoshi'sGirl64
Summary: After suffering the loss of one lover long ago, is it possible to move on and find happiness with another?


I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready to move on. But I'm not. It hasn't been long enough. I'm not through healing yet. "No," I say shaking my head and pulling away from him. "I can't do this. I'm not ready."

His dark eyes stare into mine. There is a sadness there I've seen many times before. Every time we get this far, every time I let him get close enough to hold me, I freeze up. I get his hopes up because I think I'm ready, and then I turn him away. And always, that sadness. I don't want to hurt him. I love him. But I evidently don't love him enough to let go of the past.

"When will you be ready?" he asks quietly. "He's not coming back. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I can't keep sharing you with a man who died more than two hundred years ago." He shakes his head and stands up. "Please," he whispers to me. "Don't make this hurt more than it has to. If it's not going to work, please just tell me."

"Hiei," I object. "I want this. I love you. I just… I never got over him."

"Did you ever try?" he asks, vanishing from my bedroom by way of the open window.

Did I ever try? I loved him. He was the first person I ever loved. And then he was taken from me so suddenly, killed in a raid.

I want to love Hiei. I want to let him love me. But… I feel like it's a betrayal. I've betrayed others before now, but they were always people I didn't trust and people who would have been wise not to trust me as they did. To betray the one you love is far worse.

But is it wrong to fall in love with someone else after two hundred fifty years? Is it wrong to make yourself unhappy because you're afraid of betraying someone who is never coming back? Is it wrong to hurt someone else you love just because you are having trouble moving on?

I… the only thing I know is that it isn't fair to Hiei. How can I expect him to wait for me? That's not fair to him. He deserves someone who loves him. But I do love him! Why can't I just say goodbye and move on? Two and a half centuries should have been more than enough. Why is it I'm still struggling to form a relationship? It's not as though the person I want to have a relationship with is denying me. I'm denying him. Because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid I might lose him. I'm afraid he might leave me. He's independent, he doesn't really need anyone. I'm afraid his love might slip away. He's never shown signs of caring for anyone other than Yukina before now. I'm afraid he'll die. I don't want to go through that again. I don't think my heart can handle it again. My heart hasn't healed from the last time.

But have I tried to heal it? That's what he asked. Have I tried? I've tried to forget what happened, I've gone on with my life. But have I tried to heal the wound? Yes. I tried to let go of the pain I have been carrying around in my heart, but I couldn't. Maybe the only way to ease this pain is to allow someone else to do the healing. Maybe I should let Hiei heal my heart. Maybe I should stop trying to control how I feel. Maybe I should forgive myself for something I couldn't control. Maybe I should move on. Maybe I should let go of this fear. Maybe I should love him like I really can.

I pull on my jacket and leave the house. It isn't a betrayal. It's a tribute. I'm not allowing myself to be consumed by grief and guilt any longer. I've always known he wouldn't want me to do that, but I could never stop it. It has been my constant companion for decades. And now… Now I'm letting go. He wouldn't want me to be alone forever.

I walk the short distance to the park, and I find Hiei in the largest tree, the one in the very center of the park. "You decided?" he asks, dropping from the tree. His eyes are shadowed, and I can only imagine what he might be thinking.

I nod. "Yes."

That sadness returns to his eyes, but now it's so strong the grief covers his entire face. "Thank you for telling me," he says. Then he turns away from me.

I catch his shoulder. "Hiei," I say. "I haven't told you what I decided."

"You don't need to," he says. "I always knew you loved him too much to let him go. Hoping you could ever really love me was too much to ask for."

"Hiei… I realized that I'm not betraying him by moving on." Kuronue would want me to be happy. Hiei's eyes flash towards mine, but he doesn't answer me. "I realized that a large part of the reason I wasn't moving on was that I was afraid of losing someone again. I don't think I could take it. But I decided…" I hesitated then finish, "I decided you're worth it."

Surprise crosses his face, then he steps forward and wraps his arms around me in an embrace softer than any I've felt in two and a half centuries. "You won't lose me," he promises before whispering the words he hasn't said until now, "I love you, Kurama."

* * *

I don't own anyone. Thank you all for reading. I hope it was worth the time.


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